I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
