i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
