When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
