he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
