you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
