Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think I won the penis lottery.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
