i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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