I just threw up on my dentist
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
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