grandma shit on top of the toilet
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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