Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
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