Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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