I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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