I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
