Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
