Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
