just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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