my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
True strength comes from lack of pants
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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