Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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