chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
