On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
