im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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