My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
