This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
