hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
