Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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