I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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