Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
All the doctor said was why
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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