wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
