I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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