Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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