Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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