wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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