I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
