You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
