My sheets look like a crime scene.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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