You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
