he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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