My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
