Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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