I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
