youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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