My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
