The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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