mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize