My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
