I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
