i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
