Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
