Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
