Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
