so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I think I sprained my soul last night
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i need some magic done to my vagina
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
