The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
you had me at cake vodka
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
