I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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