who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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