At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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