im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize