I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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