Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
