why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
