Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
