I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
