I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
