my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
