dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
