It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize